Change - Discovering Issues

Change – Discovering Issues

In the process of becoming more self aware to work out what you want to change, discovering your issues is an important step. You may consciously know what your issues are but sometimes it helps to clarify them and write them down. To start, make a list of the things that you both admire and cannot stand in others. Those things you have a strong reaction to. For the negative, it is important to admit that it belongs to you in some way, and for the positive you yourself have the capacity to achieve those same qualities even if you don’t think you have right now. Now you have some issues to think about and maybe at least one possible goal that you could set and achieve.

Another way of discovering issues is to look at patterns in your relationships. Pick a type of relationship to look at. It might be boss-employee, partnerships or friendships for example. Think back and write down your observations of how each instance went – how it started, what happened, and how it ended. When you have as many relationships as you can remember look at each instance and note if there is a pattern. If the same thing happened each time, or most of the time, then this is a pattern and is an issue for you. Then look at the underlying emotion or state – for example it might be jealousy, not being assertive enough or something else.

Once you have named it, then you can call it a theme in your life. You might have been working on this theme for a while already, and you might need to continue working on it. But having identified what the issue is, you can now take steps to work on it specifically through setting a goal around it and changing your feelings about it. Then you will be able to act differently when a similar situation arises again. At the very least you will be able to make progress around your issue and no doubt this is what you want.

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Change - Core Beliefs

Core Beliefs

What people believe about themselves affects them in their daily lives. McKay and Fanning have identified 10 core beliefs. They are: self-esteem, safety, competency, control, lovability, autonomy, justice, belonging, trust, and standards.

It is better to rate yourself higher on these beliefs than lower. However, if you think you might be low on one, self-esteem for instance, then you might also be low on a few others.

If you are low on self-esteem, then you probably put other people first, give yourself the burnt chop, don’t take compliments well, and you might also want to please others so you might be unassertive too. When I was young this is where I was at. I was teased at school because of my stammer and I ended up with low self-esteem. So if I had gone through the 10 core beliefs then I would probably have been low on self-esteem, control and competence. I couldn’t just say thank you to a compliment – I would always disagree with it. I didn’t see myself as being in control since I thought others had better ideas. Additionally because I wanted to please others I was very non-assertive.

Luckily I didn’t fall in with the wrong crowd. So I survived my teens. I could actually say no on some occasions and to some things, but it depended on the situation and who was asking or telling. I knew I had low self-esteem. Then I started buying self-help books. One of the first I came across was Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life. This book inspired me to change my self-esteem. So I took up the practise of repeating to myself about 20 times a day “I love and approve of myself” while looking at myself in the mirror. I did this until I could believe it. Having improved my self-esteem, I was then able to begin to take a risk and to say “no” a bit more often.

Gradually I began to feel better about myself. I started thinking that I deserved the best and that I deserved compliments. So I could then just say “Thank you” to anyone giving me a compliment. That made me feel good. I was then able to believe in myself and could say “no” to people in authority. This helped me to feel more in control of myself and my life. My boundaries were firmer.

Studying psychology put another layer of positive beliefs about me into the mix. Later, working as a psychologist and helping others to change their beliefs about themselves and their lives also improved my beliefs about myself.

Now as a life coach I am well qualified to coach people to help them improve their self esteem and other core beliefs, as well as assertiveness since I know the steps and the process to change these beliefs to a higher level and to change behaviour to become more assertive. Please contact me if you would like some coaching in this area.  

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Change - Values

When you are changing something in yourself or your life it helps to look at your values. Values are the guiding principles of life. The goals that you have should be supported by values that are important to you. Say, for instance that you have a goal of getting fit and losing weight. If you don't have health as one of your top 5 values then you might give up fairly easily and thus not achieve your goal. However, if you do have health in your top 5, then because your values are aligned with your goal then you are much more likely to achieve your goal. The best way to find out your top 5 values is to find a list of values and then go through them rating them between 1 and 10, where 1 is not at all important and 10 being most important. Then pick the top 5 from those values you have rated as 10. Sometimes it's a bit difficult to get down to 5 but try just the same. (If you email me I will send you a list of values.)

Knowing what your values are and how you have them in your life helps you to make decisons. When it comes to making a decision you can ask yourself the question, "Does this action uphold my values?" In the same vein, if you have set a goal and know the values that go with that goal, then you can ask yourself, "Does this action uphold the values and help me to achieve the goal?". If not, then don't do it.

An important aspect of values is how you live them or have them in your life. For example, different people might live their spirituality value in different ways. One might see it as being religious and attending church, while another may meditate and attend the Mind, Body, Spirit Festival. So living your values is where your individuality comes in.

It is good to review your values every couple of years since they do change over time. And knowing your values that are guiding your life will help you to make better decisions and to achieve your goals.

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Change - Self-Monitoring

If you have a behaviour that you want to change it's a good idea to take note of what is actually happening in your life right now. Self monitoring occurs at the point where you are aware of being aware. No judging, just note the sequence of events - your thoughts, feelings and behaviour in the situation and also taking note of the other person's reactions and what they say and do.

At the end of the day write down in a journal the circumstances that occurred around the problem behaviour and include your thoughts, feeling and behaviours and other's reactions and behaviours. When you have a few events then you have a baseline for change. You could also make a chart of the number of times per day that the problem behaviour occurs. For instance if you are giving up smoking, keep a count of cigarettes per day if you are cutting down, or how many days you are smoke free once you have taken the plunge and stopped. If you are attempting to become more assertive then you can keep a record of the times per day when you have a chance to be assertive. Again journal your thoughts, feelings and actions, anyone else's reactions and the outcome of the situation. Did you say "no" for instance and was the outcome a positive one for you? Journalling is positive since you can look back at it later and see how far you have come. Also writing tends to ground the events that occurred and make it more real that just being in your head.

If you are putting new behaviours into practise then you will need to think about doing it in a conscious way and put effort into it for about a month. After this time the new behaviours should become automatic. While you are practising, you need to give yourself a big pat on the back for doing the new behaviour. And flag situations as they arise so that you can get yourself into self monitoring mode. Use positive self talk to encourage yourself to put the new behaviours into practise. Get positive results and reward yourself. Just make sure that the reward is not part of the problem.

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Change - Responsibility

Attribution theory looks at the attribution of blame in the explanation of a situation or an event. For example in a car crash perhaps one driver will be blamed rather than another due to the circumstances. Maybe one driver didn’t give way when he or she should have. Likewise in other life events and circumstances we also attribute blame depending on how much we see the situation as being under our control. If we have an issue or problem then we might blame other people for this, when really we need to accept responsibility for our part in the problem.

If you are thinking of changing yourself or your life then one important step is to take responsibility for your part in the situation or problem. Until you say, “That is mine”, how can you fix it? Taking responsibility is something we all need to do as responsible adults. For any situation it is important to only shoulder responsibility for your part in the situation. Some people might blame others or things completely or to take on all the responsibility. Both of these positions are most likely unrealistic and unhealthy. I am not talking about victims of crime here, but everyday life situations that we have some control over. So accepting responsibility for your part in a situation is a vital step in being able to do something about it. Now you can change.

For example if people have been telling you that you have a problem with alcohol or drugs you will not do anything about it until you accept your part in the problem. You need to accept that it is a problem, and once you can see it is a problem, you need to accept that it is under your control and then you can change it.

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Encounters with Naturopaths

I have had a number of encounters with naturopaths over the years and have benefited from their advice. The first time was around 1984, when I was experiencing regular diarrhoea. I went to a college cinic and was diagnosed with salycilate intolerance. I was then reduced to a diet of brown rice and peas, which got a bit boring as I had to cut out quite a lot of other vegetables. Despite this, it worked and I was jumping out of my skin by the time I had been on this diet for a month or two. Then I was able to return to a normal diet and was fine.

The next time was in the early 1990s, when I went along to a naturopath with my mother who was experiencing bouts of diarrhoea. My mother was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome. I'm not sure now whether this was a correct diagnosis since it might have been a food intolerance. However she was instructed to skin various fruit and this behaviour seemed to have some effect on her problem.

More recently in the last 4 months I have had occasion to visit a naturopath again. This time I had a vega test and the outcome of this was that I had food intolerances and candida. Thus I was instructed to eliminate wheat, dairy, fish and white starch from my diet and to take various herbal preparations. One of these was to balance my blood sugar. Additionally I was told to have more protein both for breakfast and for lunch, to have a larger breakfast, a medium sized lunch and a smaller dinner with no meat. I have been eating eggs for breakfast, main meal for lunch and vegetables or soup for dinner. I have become used to this routine and now the candida has gone, and I can have whitestarch again. However I still test positive for wheat, dairy and fish intolerances so will only have small amounts of these in my diet. I cannot really give up having the occasional milk chocolate, which I now have weekly.

I think I am feeling better but it is difficult to tell if my energy levels are any different. I think they are about the same. So I think it has been worth the effort, but I will wait for a few more weeks until I go to the doctor and have my blood sugar tested. Then we shall see if it has been worthwhile.

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Change

If you want to change something about yourself or your life, the firs step is to take stock of the current situation. What is it that you'd like to change? We are in charge of yourselves, our actions, our thoughts and feelings and are not in charge of others. We can only change ourselves. So if your change involves others, then it is best to change what you do in relation to those others. Others may then do something differently as a byproduct of that change.

Change doesn't happen overnight. It occurs bit by bit in the present and takes time to put into place. Especially if you are trying to change how you behave, it may take about a month of consciously thinking and behaving in the new way until it becomes an automatic response.

Sometimes te process of change may seem scary. And it may be simpler to not change. However if you change you are still going to be you. You will just be behaving in a different way, and doing different things. You are more than your behaviour, your thoughts, and your feelings. The whole, the you, is much greater than the sum of all the parts.

When thinking about what to change it is helpful to consider what is happening in your life right now. What areas of your life are going well? What areas would you like to improve? Areas that you can think about are wrk/career, health, relationships/family/friends, finances, hobbies/interests, work/life balance and personal growth. Maybe you would like to declutter your home but have an issue with finding the time and motivation to engage in this behaviour. Perhaps you'd like to become more assertive with your family, partner and friends.

Thinking about what to change at the start wll help you to set the right goals for change. If you can get the planning right then it is more likely that you will be successful in reaching your goals.

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